My Best Budd

Been slack I know. Went to cool party in Kent yesterday. Instead of describing it here I'll just put a link to

Duncan Roy's Blog.


look for Sunday August 6. No way can I top his descriptions. e.g.

"We met Peter Mandleson (no special branch) wearing cricket whites who still maintains a lofty hauteur. Mandleson does not walk-he glides. Sadly, it was not the time or the place to challenge either of them about Blair sucking Bush's cock-although I was tempted. I think that special branch would have removed my plate of hot smoked salmon; man handled me into the balloon and cut it adrift."


Have a look. I'm in there sandwiched between Julian Clary and Lily Savage...

Or check out Duncan at:

www.myspace.com/duncanroy

Duncan is famous for directing Elizabeth Hurley in a movie and then saying in an interview:

"She thinks she is really beautiful. Well, when you have seen her first thing in the morning using a spatula to trowel in thick globs of foundation on her old acne marks, she's not that attractive any more."

and other stuff. At this point the author would like to distance himself from Duncan's comments because at some point he would quite like to get invited to one of Elton John's big bashes and figures that slagging of one of his best friends isn't the way to go about it.

Anyway, the party was great.

loose end

Going through my big board of letters sent and replies received when I notice a blank space.

From 30 Nov 2005
Dear Rob
I've just finished reading the sample pages from your novel CLIPPED and I'd like to see the rest, please. You can send the material by e-mail or post, whichever is more convenient, and I'll try to get back to you before Christmas.
Yours sincerely...

1 Dec
Dear Ms Wonker
Thank you for your email. Please find attached the complete CLIPPED manuscript double-spaced. Chapter Four starts on page 42.
I look forward to hearing from you.

1 Dec
Thank you for sending the manuscript. I'll try to read and get back to you before Christmas.
Best

Christmas comes. And goes. No news. New year becomes a distant memory so I follow up.

10 Jan
Dear Ms Wonker
Just a quick note to see if there is any news on CLIPPED.
I hope you had a good Christmas and New Year and look forward to hearing from you.
Best

No reply.

13 March
Dear Ms Wonker
Hope you are well. I'm wondering if there is any news on CLIPPED. I am in Sydney for 3 months starting the new book so apologies if you have mailed me a letter and I haven't received it.
Kind Regards

No reply.

Today I phone up the agency and ask if Ms Wonker still works there. She does. I explain the situation.

'Hmm, that is tricky,' says Kerri the receptionist. 'Tell you what, email it to me again and i'll stick it under her nose.'
'Thanks.'

We'll see how that goes.

The shame. Or chutzpah. Not sure which

My favourite email of the year so far. Enjoy :)

"Dear Rob,

Thank you very much for sending me the revised version of Flat And Hard in 2003. (flatandhard is one of my screenplays) Unfortunately your work was misplaced and has only recently been discovered.

I have now had a chance to read it, however we are taking on very few new clients at the moment as we are concerned to keep the client base to a reasonable size and only wish to add to it when we feel very strongly about an author's work. In order to take on a new client, I need to be extremely enthusiastic about both the content and the writing style. I'm sorry to say that I don't feel strongly enough about your work but please do persevere - other agencies will have different priorities and may be in a different situation.

I'm sorry not to be able to help on this occasion, and I apologise for the delay in replying to you. I wish you the best of luck in finding the right agent for your work.

Yours sincerely..."

Yes, he really did say 2003. And yes, it is now 2006. Checking my records, I make that a 3 year 2 month response time. It takes balls to write back after you've lost something for that long. Or a total lack of shame.

Interestingly, this man is the business partner of the granite-balled Sharon Osbourne of literary agents of June 29 2005. He does screenplays, she does books.

3 and a half months of post

Get back. Tired and smelly with a load of envelopes from agents waiting for me. This includes:

3 standard rejection letters "we do not feel sufficiently enthusiastic..." blah blah...
At the bottom of one of them it says,

"NB. (in bold) We do not (underlined) look at work of fantasy, poetry, sci-fi or children’s literature."(all bold)

I know this, I think. I didn't send you any fantasy, poetry, sci-fi or children’s literature. Bold or otherwise. Why are you telling me this now?


I also have another really badly photocopied rejection letter dated 18/8/06. Someone has scribbled the ‘8’ out, leaving a big black mess, and put a ‘1’ above it.

From a big publisher, one of the CWA judges I sent it to:
“I thought this was a fascinating idea, however, I’m afraid I don’t think this one is right for my list.”

Followed by another letter with bad syntax and strangled sentences that I won't put up here because:
a) I will look kind of pompous if I post it.
b) I'm bored with badly constructed rejection letters. It's not funny anymore. You'd think that literary agents could get literate people to write their letters. (Cue loads of emails about my crap grammar)

A letter from Alex Garland's agent:
“I have read the material you sent to me and, generally speaking, I thought it was quite good. Your story and charcters bear some resemblance to those from Alex Garland and Will Rhode’s novels and I am not sure if that was a deliberate choice or pure coincidence. The story reads easily and the action is quite fast, which is usually a good point. Personally, I did not like the instrument of your villain’s crimes, but naturally this is very subjective and at the end of the day, it will be up to your potential editor and yourself whether you wish to keep it or change it to something less drastic.”

my thoughts:
a) "Quite good"??? Quite good?????
b) I don't know who Will Rhode is but I'll check.
c) The story and characters have no resemblance to Alex Garland except that one of his books is set in Thailand. As is 'Clipped.'
d) "the action is quite fast"???? Quite fast????????
e) "which is usually a good point" huh? Are you trying to say that here it is not a good point?
f) "I did not like the instrument of your villain’s crimes." You big pussy.


As you can tell it was a long flight, I'm tired, the weather sucks and the Piccadilly line to Heathrow was still buggered. I'll be in a better frame of mind tomorrow.

2?

Email from another producer:

"Dear Rob
Re-read flatandhard and really like it. Definitely interested in making it. When are you back so we can talk about option agreement."

Life can be freaky sometimes. Now have 2 producers wanting to buy the flatandhard screenplay. Now got to choose who to go with.

Unfortunately do not have 2 people wanting to buy the book. YET.

In Bangkok on way home. Stinking hot and loving every sweaty minute. Hit Macau tomorrow on budget Asian Air.

Buy my script

Email from a producer I met just before I left the UK.

"Dear Rob
Re. Flat and Hard, we've had some VERY good meetings with financiers and execs since the launch, and I'm now at exactly the right stage to really start pushing the project. To this end it would be good to sort out a very quick option agreement on the project."

So someone wants to buy my screenplay :)

ZSAC speaks!

An email from ZSAC's assistant:

"Many thanks for offering Zadie Smith's Agent's Colleague the opportunity to consider your novel CLIPPED for representation, and apologies for the long delay in responding to your initial approach.

Though Zadie Smith's Agent's Colleague read the sample you sent her with interest, I'm afraid she does not feel sufficiently passionate about the material to take things further with you at present.

I am sorry to disappoint after all this time."

Willy Wrong

Email from Nikki:

"hey ho. I thought they weren't his scene last year. then he said they were. now he says they're not. sorry bout this. xxx. N"

She forwards a mail from Mr Willy Fresh:

"Thanks for showing me to Rob XXX' website. It's very entertaining, especially the account of all his agent rejections; but I have to admit that makes me wary. What I read of his book seemed bright and intelligent enough, but I'm afraid serial killers, wherever located, aren't really my speed."

Note to Mr Willy- agent rejections shouldn't make you wary. It happens to everyone. Even J.K.Rowling (See July 28 2005).

You know Willy?

Email from Nikki:

"You know last year when I met that guy from Willy Fresh Agency and gave me all those suggestions for you - was one of them his own agency?

I saw him last week & he seemed very interested to see your book - said any commercial fiction was interesting to them. liked the sound of chiller thriller set in Bankok, written by extremely telegenic author.

shall I point him to your blog?

p.s. what's your pancake recipe? Is it 1 egg, 100g of flour, 100 ml of milk? Or double the egg and half the rest? Just made big bowl of lumpy mess. Do they have pancakes in Australia??"

Reply:
"no, haven't approached Willy Fresh agency. Definitely direct him to blog. thanks :)"

Pretend you're new

Unemployed C writes back:

"I reckon not. Sally said the same thing happened to her...she suggests saying nothing!!"

OK. Email it off like it's the first time.

Hard? Me?

Unemployed C writes back.

"Yes, what a coincidence. I hope you haven't been too hard on her in your blog."

Have I? You be the judge.

I start to email ZSAC the first 3 chapters again but something occurrs to me. I e Unemployed C:

"quick question- with sally's agent, when i email the book to her,
u reckon i should mention she's already got it or not??"

Don't want to embarrass the lady.

Notoriously bad. No, not me :)

Get an email from Unemployed C:

"Dear Rob,
I thought you might be interested...don't hold your breath though!!"

He encloses an email from his friend Sally:

"Dear Unemployed C,
Have written to my agent XXX at J C Plopp re your pal Rob's thriller. She is notoriously bad at getting back but will let you know as soon as she does.
Regards
Sally"

XXX happens to be ZSAC. (See September 20th, September 27th, October 12th, October 16th, October 24th, November 17th, November 24th etc... ad nauseum) ZSAC has had the first 3 chapters for four months and is apparently ignoring my emails and phone calls.

What a pain that I've got a good 'In' with an agent but it's an agent who is a superflake :( balls.

(However, as said before, if she takes me on and gets me a book deal I will respect and admire her hugely, be extremely grateful and delete this blog immediately).

Russell Crowe again

Sitting outside Cafe Coluzzi in Sydney with a mate when I recognise a chubby guy in a long-sleeved top (It's 28 degrees C) and a baseball cap sitting a couple of metres away from us.

'That's Russell Crowe,' I say.

It is. Again. (See November 7th) I think Russell is following me around the world.

When he left Harry suggested grabbing his cup. 'We can auction it on ebay.'

But the waitress was too quick. I think we would've needed a photo of him drinking out of it anyway.

Off 2 Oz

Decided to go to Australia to research next book. (set in Sydney) Flying tomorrow.
Sounds very last-minute and jet-set and indulgent but totally isn't. Honest. But couple of months in sun and on Bondi will go down a treat (while I do stacks of research and start Book 2).
Sent a big pile of letters to agents before I left.

email from Joe

'Hi there, I really enjoyed reading your blog and
extracts. I'm finishing up a book at present and am
about to embark on a similar merry go round.

Having farted around with UK agents in the past I find
them pretty useless. Have you considered America? From
chatting to others I get the feeling they actually
treat it as a business over there rather than a
burden.

I'm sure you're probably aware of it already but
www.everyonewhosanyone.com is a good place to trawl.

Hope it comes together for you soon.'