too tired to take it in

Got a NO from Mr Big Cheese.
Went to bed about 5 a.m. last night and the postlady turns up with this huge package at about 9 a.m. so I was kind of dazed.

'I'm afraid that I did not feel this was suitable for my list and that I am not the right agent to help you with the book.'

No comments/feedback. Too knackered to really take it in. Went back to bed and woke up pissed off. 2 agents have asked to read the whole book and they've both said no.

On a positive side XXX XXX agency paid for the postage to send it back. Which was about ten quid. Every cloud...

Going Up One

Phone message from my brother:

‘Oi, you fool. Only 3 of The Darkness are from Lowestoft.’

So I’m up to number 7. If some plucker buys my book.

In with a shot

Email from Little Joe in New York:

‘Love the blog Rob. Fantastic opening chapters. You’ll soon be the most famous person to come from Lowestoft!!!’

Afraid not. Even with a great book deal and Clipped on a 3-for-2 offer at the front of Borders and heavily discounted in Tesco’s I reckon I might just scrape in at number 5. After

1. ‘The Darkness’
2. Hannah from ‘S-Club 7’
3. Rap DJ Tim Westwood
4. Dead composer Benjamin Britten
5. Me with a book deal.

And if you count The Darkness as four people I go down to number 8…

Domestic Goddess

Nigella Lawson’s agent (as well as tons of others) said on the phone that they weren't accepting new clients but I sent a letter and biog anyway. They replied today:

'Dear Mr Isherwood, (sic)

Thank you for sending us a letter about your novel CLIPPED. Please can you send the first three chapters...'

Bad Impressions

Z.S.A.C asked to read the first 3 chapters on September 20 and I mailed them.
I wrote a polite follow up email to the agent on October 12. No reply.
I wrote a polite follow up email to the agent’s assistant on November 17. No reply.
Phoned the assistant today but she was out.
As well as looking a bit crap and inefficient it also looks pretty rude. Do I really want an agent like that?
(Answer: If it’s the only one who’ll take me on, YES!)
But replying to emails is pretty basic stuff.

Sorry, we don't do crisps

Had a trial for a barman's job in Soho last night. Pretty relaxed place and OK tips. Didn't screw up too badly although when I cashed up, my till said I was £145 down. And all I thought I'd done was lose 10p on the floor...
Normally anything over £1.50 we have to pay for ourselves.
Got asked to come back Friday.

Balls

Just got an email back from the agency who asked to read the whole book:

'Thank you for writing to us regarding your work. We are afraid that, despite its qualities, we do not feel sufficiently enthusiastic to offer to represent it.

We apologise for the impersonal nature of this letter and regret that we cannot enter into correspondence about your work.'

This is the 'determinate interest' people.
Made me smile #1: When she emailed asking to read more she signed with her name. When she emailed to say no it was signed “The XXX Agency.”

Made me smile #2: Her email address was intern2@XXXagency so I'm obviously getting read by people at the very top :)

No word from Mr Big Cheese Agent.

Got a letter from one of the CWA judges, (see Nov 4) a commisioning editor at a big publisher:

'I’d love to look at the material from Clipped.'

But she doesn't want to read it off the internet because it's too hard to read. Send her a paper copy. If she likes it I might not even need an agent.

Read it yourself. And don't check in the database

Very cool agent who represents two big authors I like (see Nov 16) writes back:

“Do send me the first three chapters…”

Her agency slush pile has said no already so I hope she doesn’t give it back to them to read again.

Another agent of a big author writes:

“Please send us the first three chapters…”

But it's signed by the slush lady who already said no so I won’t bother.

Wierd but true

If you search my name in 'books' in amazon.co.uk you get 3 hits:

1. 'The Ultimate World Wrestling Federation Trivia Book.'
2. 'Purchasing Power: Consumer Organizing, Gender, and the Seattle Labor Movement, 1919-1929.'
3. 'Oz Clarke's Australian Wine Companion.'

If you do it on amazon.com you get 6000 hits.
Also if you type my name into google, this blog now comes up second. (It was about two-hundred-and-something).

Email Z.S.A.C.'s assistant (see September 20) and ask if there's any news. It's been two months and nobody replied to my last email (October 12). See if the follow-up to the follow-up works. Or whether I have to do a follow-up phone call to follow-up the...

Blitz before Xmas

Have written to the agents of all the crime/thriller writers in the UK that I admire. They get a letter saying why I’m writing to them, “because you represent XXX,” a 150 word synopsis and a biog. Some of these are at agencies whose slush piles have already rejected me but I don’t trust the slush and it only costs two second class stamps.

No number 13

ICM reply:

The extract was found to be very engaging… However the material is unsuitable for our agency.

'Engaging' is good. Better than that bloke who thought it was 'whimsical.' (see May 19th)
Although calling it 'unsuitable' makes it sound like porn.

My weekend starts 9.20 a.m. Monday

Finally finshed at 11.50 last night. 5 days solid work. Emailed one copy off and printed the other out.
I tried to take a photo of the manuscript. (It was huuuuuge). But every battery in my flat was dead and the ones in the TV remote were too weak. Wanted to deliver the book before the agent arrived for work so gave up and went to the post office.

Me: How much will it cost to send this second class?

Post Office Lady: You can’t send it second class. It’s over two kilos.

Me: How much will it cost then?

Post Office Lady: Ten pounds thirty-seven.

I was always going to hand deliver it but I now decide not to include return postage either. I’ll ask if I can collect it myself instead. (If they don’t like it, that is). Hope they don't think that's too cheeky.

Have to say, the receptionist at the agency is very, very friendy and helpful. (Compared to some of the ogres I've spoken to).

Big Job

Madly making sure all ninety-nine chapters are s**t-hot. It's going to take all weekend. Unemployed Charlie asks if I want to get out of London and stay at his on Saturday night but I decide not to. I know I won't relax until everything is finished.

Will forever kick myself if I blow it with Mr Big Cheese because I gave him something that wasn't ready.

On a roll

Wow.
What a 2 days. Just got another email:


Dear Rob
I enjoyed the first three chapters which I read online. Please do send me by post the rest of the thriller.


Yes! And this guy is one of the absolute, big, big cheeses in London. He’s on my dream list of 10 agents that I wrote six months ago. Well chuffed. Jumped up and down in my boxer shorts for two minutes before I realised a lady in Saatchi and Saatchi opposite was pointing me out to her colleague.

But again not getting my hopes up. He’s only read three chapters. He needs to like the other ninety-six too. (They’re short. But not as short as James Patterson’s).

This also proves my theory that good news doesn’t come by post.
And to reinforce that I got a letter from one of the CWA judges:

‘Clipped’ certainly sounds interesting, and I must say I am in awe of your CV…
(If you haven’t read it yet, check it out here)
Unfortunately XXX do not accept unsolicited manuscripts… and our crime and thriller lists are completely full at this time.’

good news

8 minutes ago I got my first agent interested. They've read the first 3 chapters and want to see the rest.

Wheeee! At ****ing last!

They make it brutally clear that I shouldn't get my hopes up though. The e-mail says:

'...I would like to stress that this request should not be seen as a determinate interest in representing its publication.'

That's OK, it hadn't even crossed my mind to take it as that.
Must remember that line: 'Of course I'll have a drink with you, but please do not see that as a determinate interest in going to bed...'

Literacy skills continue to dive

My favourite response yet. The letter says:

‘Thanks for your info however I do not handle screenplays.’

I don’t know what she thought she was looking at.
All I can imagine is that she read the first line of my letter, which says ‘I am a young writer looking for representation. I have had three feature-length screenplays optioned…’ and then didn’t bother to finish the sentence which says ‘and am now hoping to secure a deal for my first novel Clipped.’ I imagine she also didn’t bother looking at the synopsis or the 42 pages of book I sent.

I e-mail back saying ‘Thank you for your prompt response. I understand you do not deal with screenplays but ‘Clipped’ is an 80,000 word novel.’

See what she says. It’s not like I’ve got anything to lose.


Saw Russell Crowe in Soho and he looked very happy. Big beardy smile on his face opposite Wagamama. I was with my mum but she wasn't interested because she doesn't know who he is.

Mr Scraggs talks nonsense

Reading a history of detective fiction. Lots of interesting stuff even though this on page 3 made me chuckle

‘Structuralist approaches do have their advantages, although they are limited, and this study will begin with a diachronic outline of the development of the genre in order to provide a framework within which to contextualise the key points of its broader analysis.’

If anyone understands that please post a comment and explain.

Were your eyes shut?

Out with Paul and Gabriella. They’ve finally got round to reading my blog.

Paul: I love the prologue. It really worked, I totally wanted to read more.

Gabriella: Yes, that poor woman, dying of AIDS.

Paul: She wasn’t dying of AIDS!

Gabriella: Yes, she was.

Paul: She was about to get murdered by the serial killer!

Gabriella: And she had AIDS.

Paul: No, she didn’t. That was the whole point.

Gabriella: Really?

Paul: Yes. Are you totally thick?

Gabriella doesn’t look convinced. ‘No, you’re wrong…’

We walk the whole way from one side of Clapham Common to the other before it occurrs to either of them to ask me. I mean, I only wrote it. :)

Another off chance

Found out about the Crime Writers Association Debut Dagger Award today. It’s for unpublished crime/thriller wtiters and I’ve missed the closing date.
Balls.
Wrote a letter to all the judges (2 agents, a commissioning editor, an editorial assistant, a publishing director and publisher) with a brief synopsis, biography and a link to the first 3 chapters.
I also enclosed an sae so they have no excuse not to reply.

lost bird

e-mail from Simon in Sydney:

'Rob- Are your students all mad? Where is the picture of you and the chicken?'

The scrawny chicken has got lots of attention (FYI Simon, it's in the May archive) but is now dead. As of September Nanny has no chickens, just a Jack Russell with impetigo.

Smoking at work

Phone up a big central London agency.

Me: Good afternoon, are you accepting submissions?

Long pause.

‘Yah,’ says a young man. He sounds stoned.

Me: Great. Who do I address it to?

Him: Uh, (another long pause) I guess that would be… uh, me.

I wait for him to tell me his name. He doesn't.

Me. Can I have your name please?

Him. Yah, of course… It’s XXX. But there’s like a really long wait, like maybe even six months. (pause) Or something.



Next phone call:

Me: Good afternoon. Are you…

(Stern-sounding woman interrupts)

Her: I’m on the other line.

Me: No problem, should I call…

Her: Is this about submissions?

Me: Yes, I…

Her: Not for me. (she hangs up)