Going through my big board of letters sent and replies received when I notice a blank space.
From 30 Nov 2005
Dear Rob
I've just finished reading the sample pages from your novel CLIPPED and I'd like to see the rest, please. You can send the material by e-mail or post, whichever is more convenient, and I'll try to get back to you before Christmas.
Yours sincerely...
1 Dec
Dear Ms Wonker
Thank you for your email. Please find attached the complete CLIPPED manuscript double-spaced. Chapter Four starts on page 42.
I look forward to hearing from you.
1 Dec
Thank you for sending the manuscript. I'll try to read and get back to you before Christmas.
Best
Christmas comes. And goes. No news. New year becomes a distant memory so I follow up.
10 Jan
Dear Ms Wonker
Just a quick note to see if there is any news on CLIPPED.
I hope you had a good Christmas and New Year and look forward to hearing from you.
Best
No reply.
13 March
Dear Ms Wonker
Hope you are well. I'm wondering if there is any news on CLIPPED. I am in Sydney for 3 months starting the new book so apologies if you have mailed me a letter and I haven't received it.
Kind Regards
No reply.
Today I phone up the agency and ask if Ms Wonker still works there. She does. I explain the situation.
'Hmm, that is tricky,' says Kerri the receptionist. 'Tell you what, email it to me again and i'll stick it under her nose.'
'Thanks.'
We'll see how that goes.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
The shame. Or chutzpah. Not sure which
My favourite email of the year so far. Enjoy :)
"Dear Rob,
Thank you very much for sending me the revised version of Flat And Hard in 2003. (flatandhard is one of my screenplays) Unfortunately your work was misplaced and has only recently been discovered.
I have now had a chance to read it, however we are taking on very few new clients at the moment as we are concerned to keep the client base to a reasonable size and only wish to add to it when we feel very strongly about an author's work. In order to take on a new client, I need to be extremely enthusiastic about both the content and the writing style. I'm sorry to say that I don't feel strongly enough about your work but please do persevere - other agencies will have different priorities and may be in a different situation.
I'm sorry not to be able to help on this occasion, and I apologise for the delay in replying to you. I wish you the best of luck in finding the right agent for your work.
Yours sincerely..."
Yes, he really did say 2003. And yes, it is now 2006. Checking my records, I make that a 3 year 2 month response time. It takes balls to write back after you've lost something for that long. Or a total lack of shame.
Interestingly, this man is the business partner of the granite-balled Sharon Osbourne of literary agents of June 29 2005. He does screenplays, she does books.
"Dear Rob,
Thank you very much for sending me the revised version of Flat And Hard in 2003. (flatandhard is one of my screenplays) Unfortunately your work was misplaced and has only recently been discovered.
I have now had a chance to read it, however we are taking on very few new clients at the moment as we are concerned to keep the client base to a reasonable size and only wish to add to it when we feel very strongly about an author's work. In order to take on a new client, I need to be extremely enthusiastic about both the content and the writing style. I'm sorry to say that I don't feel strongly enough about your work but please do persevere - other agencies will have different priorities and may be in a different situation.
I'm sorry not to be able to help on this occasion, and I apologise for the delay in replying to you. I wish you the best of luck in finding the right agent for your work.
Yours sincerely..."
Yes, he really did say 2003. And yes, it is now 2006. Checking my records, I make that a 3 year 2 month response time. It takes balls to write back after you've lost something for that long. Or a total lack of shame.
Interestingly, this man is the business partner of the granite-balled Sharon Osbourne of literary agents of June 29 2005. He does screenplays, she does books.
Monday, May 01, 2006
3 and a half months of post
Get back. Tired and smelly with a load of envelopes from agents waiting for me. This includes:
3 standard rejection letters "we do not feel sufficiently enthusiastic..." blah blah...
At the bottom of one of them it says,
"NB. (in bold) We do not (underlined) look at work of fantasy, poetry, sci-fi or children’s literature."(all bold)
I know this, I think. I didn't send you any fantasy, poetry, sci-fi or children’s literature. Bold or otherwise. Why are you telling me this now?
I also have another really badly photocopied rejection letter dated 18/8/06. Someone has scribbled the ‘8’ out, leaving a big black mess, and put a ‘1’ above it.
From a big publisher, one of the CWA judges I sent it to:
“I thought this was a fascinating idea, however, I’m afraid I don’t think this one is right for my list.”
Followed by another letter with bad syntax and strangled sentences that I won't put up here because:
a) I will look kind of pompous if I post it.
b) I'm bored with badly constructed rejection letters. It's not funny anymore. You'd think that literary agents could get literate people to write their letters. (Cue loads of emails about my crap grammar)
A letter from Alex Garland's agent:
“I have read the material you sent to me and, generally speaking, I thought it was quite good. Your story and charcters bear some resemblance to those from Alex Garland and Will Rhode’s novels and I am not sure if that was a deliberate choice or pure coincidence. The story reads easily and the action is quite fast, which is usually a good point. Personally, I did not like the instrument of your villain’s crimes, but naturally this is very subjective and at the end of the day, it will be up to your potential editor and yourself whether you wish to keep it or change it to something less drastic.”
my thoughts:
a) "Quite good"??? Quite good?????
b) I don't know who Will Rhode is but I'll check.
c) The story and characters have no resemblance to Alex Garland except that one of his books is set in Thailand. As is 'Clipped.'
d) "the action is quite fast"???? Quite fast????????
e) "which is usually a good point" huh? Are you trying to say that here it is not a good point?
f) "I did not like the instrument of your villain’s crimes." You big pussy.
As you can tell it was a long flight, I'm tired, the weather sucks and the Piccadilly line to Heathrow was still buggered. I'll be in a better frame of mind tomorrow.
3 standard rejection letters "we do not feel sufficiently enthusiastic..." blah blah...
At the bottom of one of them it says,
"NB. (in bold) We do not (underlined) look at work of fantasy, poetry, sci-fi or children’s literature."(all bold)
I know this, I think. I didn't send you any fantasy, poetry, sci-fi or children’s literature. Bold or otherwise. Why are you telling me this now?
I also have another really badly photocopied rejection letter dated 18/8/06. Someone has scribbled the ‘8’ out, leaving a big black mess, and put a ‘1’ above it.
From a big publisher, one of the CWA judges I sent it to:
“I thought this was a fascinating idea, however, I’m afraid I don’t think this one is right for my list.”
Followed by another letter with bad syntax and strangled sentences that I won't put up here because:
a) I will look kind of pompous if I post it.
b) I'm bored with badly constructed rejection letters. It's not funny anymore. You'd think that literary agents could get literate people to write their letters. (Cue loads of emails about my crap grammar)
A letter from Alex Garland's agent:
“I have read the material you sent to me and, generally speaking, I thought it was quite good. Your story and charcters bear some resemblance to those from Alex Garland and Will Rhode’s novels and I am not sure if that was a deliberate choice or pure coincidence. The story reads easily and the action is quite fast, which is usually a good point. Personally, I did not like the instrument of your villain’s crimes, but naturally this is very subjective and at the end of the day, it will be up to your potential editor and yourself whether you wish to keep it or change it to something less drastic.”
my thoughts:
a) "Quite good"??? Quite good?????
b) I don't know who Will Rhode is but I'll check.
c) The story and characters have no resemblance to Alex Garland except that one of his books is set in Thailand. As is 'Clipped.'
d) "the action is quite fast"???? Quite fast????????
e) "which is usually a good point" huh? Are you trying to say that here it is not a good point?
f) "I did not like the instrument of your villain’s crimes." You big pussy.
As you can tell it was a long flight, I'm tired, the weather sucks and the Piccadilly line to Heathrow was still buggered. I'll be in a better frame of mind tomorrow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)